why do i feel responsible for my family's happiness

By studying actual data on happiness, I found out that these are the biggest factors responsible for my happiness: Love Exercising Relaxing Career Friends Family Sleep Hobbies Traveling Health This article will show you exactly why and how I've determined these factors as the biggest influence on my happiness. You are not alone in this! Have faith in other peoples guidance systems. :). My family is my strength in hard times. Use a little bit of his empty shelf space for a few of your things, finish the show you're watching when he comes in the room, etc. Toxic Guilt: How To Stop Feeling Responsible For Other People's Happiness Grandmother looked deep into her granddaughter's eyes, "Bear has brought you here, so you can see all of us. How To Cope With Happiness Guilt: Its OK To Feel Happy - Refinery29 You could try small experiments. Thats not to say we shouldnt feel good when things go well. You feel it's your fault when other people feel bad. It is true that we do need to be responsible for the portion of our happiness within our control but we also need to realize that we all affect each other's happiness and we are responsible for that. Her tongue, unfortunately, is still as sharp as a razor and the ugliest thing I've ever had the displeasure to witness. Notice what makes you feel good about yourself. Such avoidance is detrimental because it lowers the authenticity, intimacy, and vulnerability of the relationship. Find her on her website, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Most of us have felt for our entire lives that our personal needs are weird and inconvenient to others. The weight will be lifted and youll be able to show up for your loved one AND yourself. You need to work on setting boundaries and when she starts that crap, leave the room and quit taking it. People to stand in helpless vigil to our pain.Glennon Doyle. How long can you go on feeling like you're responsible for their happiness (when you give up your own)? If you would like to soften (or change) this core belief, share this article with your loved one, so you have a common language and understanding, and set a time to have a mindful, calm talk. Recent research suggests that you can even change aspects of your personality that seem inborn and permanent. I'm not sure though. I can help you compare costs & services for FREE! Hi Todd. You depend on all sorts of causes and conditions, just like a tree depends on a seed, water, and nutrients to grow. Meg Selig is the author of Changepower! Responsibility: Being a responsible person makes you feel good - CogniFit In the last week or so I have begun to sound like a broken record because I just keep saying ' this is not my responsibility - it is yours.' She is a wealth of knowledge and truly cares about helping people and empowering them to live life optimally. I should be able to handle this. Anybody feel like they have been saddled with being responsible for Often, we believe that if we cater to what everyone wants, theyll be happy and we can avoid unpleasant conflict. Find me on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, and Pinterest. In highly over-simplified soundbites, the Four Noble Truths can be summarized as follows: How might you possibly be harming yourself? She was queen and would accuse her children of treason if they did anything she didn't like. I used to think that at some point my parents would wake up and realize what they had been doing to me. Video here. Sometimes, it may not feel this way because you often act out of habit and long-standingmental and emotional patterns. I've personally wallowed in every one of the 10 Misery-Makers at some point in my life. Being a responsible person helps us to: Be more honest: When we tend to tell the truth and keep our promises, the people around us will . When you don't let yourself become anxious and stressed trying to make sure that everyone is happy but are still kind, you are caring about yourself and about others. You are responsible for only your happiness. The bottom line is this: I am NOT responsible for her happiness and you are not responsible for your mother's happiness either. Mostly because the peace is not really there in the first place. This friend was going through a tough time, and when my friend left, she felt this heavy weight on her. Consider the glass of water you drink first thing in the morning. Oh, now I see what I need to do in the future. Ill look at this as a challenge rather than as a problem. This self-talk will help you develop a growth mindset, to use the phrase of researcher Carol Dweck. It's time that we fix a flaw in our mental health model: its denial of personal responsibility. This site complies with the HONcode standard for I am only 52, have a husband and a more-than-full-time job. Responsibility pie chart. Eventually, I learned this belief is just another fabrication of the mind that has no basis in reality. I'm going to. We were married for 18 years, together 25 but he was very depressive, quite angry sometimes and I got fed up walking on eggshells. Get personalized guidance from a dedicated local advisor. It's never the responsibility of someone else. Use Life Itself to Dissolve Your Identity, What Eckhart Tolle Gets Wrong About Karma. I once worked with a symbiotic couple where it was clear that the husband could not deal with his wifes anger toward him, so he constantly belittled her pain by not listening or being sarcastic. Are your worries completely justified? For example, speak out like this: I didnt like it when you said that. I help deep thinking, heart-centered people find greater ease emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Let's look at an example from both the perspective of a mother who feels her child's happiness is her responsibility and a mother who provides good support for her child's big feelings without the belief that she is responsible for his happiness. Children therefore believe that they have a larger impact on their parents' emotions and well-being then they actually do. Threatening suicide is "Emotional Blackmail." This is something that has been on my mind lately as Ive seen new readers discover my bookJudgment Detoxand begin to lovingly witness their own judgment and heal it. When talking, try sharing your pain, criticism, frustration, or even anger at your partner slowly, in small chunks, pausing to let it be absorbed and digested by your partner. To make progress, I've used what I call the STOP process. Children who. When youre experiencing beautiful shifts and miracles, you often want to help others. Hi Aimee, 2010 - 2021 Sandra Pawula. Some people maintain a basic core belief (click here for a short video explaining about core beliefs) that if our partner feels pain, it is our responsibility or fault, and we must fix them, cheer them up, give them a hug, protect them, and so on. And I've found it is a mistake to "keep the peace" in someone else's marriage. https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/mental-illness-overview/how-to-find-mental-health and https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-refer. She nodded, "It was nearly my death." "We nearly lost you, we nearly lost you," Raven chimed. Shifting your thoughts and actions reduces anxiety. You might think this is only a problem for people with very low self-esteem. I was abused by my mother. Get personalized guidance from a dedicated local advisor. Only your mom can make herself happy. After illuminating their core belief, he said that hes now ready to really hear his partners pain. I watched Queen Victoria's Children, in three parts, on Youtube. Someone had to make the pipes, didnt they? Dad had 3 back-to-back car accidents and could no longer drive; mom, of course, refused to do the driving, why should she, after all? One you can do. She'll call me on a Sunday very angry, saying she's been sitting around all day. You need to understand what you have power over and what you don't. You don't have the power to make your husband choose the right attitude, behavior, words. What is the problem with holding a core belief of your pain = my responsibility? We need more time. They do not need to apologize, fix, or encourage you. If this is the case with you, figure out how best to express who you are in other areas of your life. Yes, I still feel responsible for my ex's happiness. Are they realistic? Thats not to say theyre not responsible for their actions or shouldnt be held accountable. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! It can actually feel like something you physically drag around. 37 Secrets to Habit Change Success. She hasshared information about creating a quality life on podcasts, summits, print andonline interviews and articles, and at speaking events. Give your mind a job. There's a huge difference between having empathy for your partner and being attuned to their emotions, and adopting your partner's mood anytime it changes, regardless of how you actually feel . What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving? Think of ways to drop down your own niceness and to make AL seem more attractive than what you provide. How to Overcome Extreme Challenges and Uncover Deep Resilience with Ed Mylett, How to Meditate with a Mantra: A Simple Technique You Can Use Anywhere, How to Meditate: The Easiest Meditation for Beginners, True Abundance: 3 Steps for Attracting the Abundance You Want, How to Be Happier at Work: 3 Tips to Make Your Day Better Now, Focus on the Good Stuff When You Collaborate with Other People on Projects, 5 Tips to Quit Sugar the Spirit Junkie Way, My #1 Exercise Secret: Move in Some Way Every Day, How to Trust in the Healing Path When Youre Recovering from Addiction or Trauma. I cried the other day because I bought steak to try and cheer him up and he decided to skip dinner. Or look at a situation that caused you to worry or feel anxious for another person. If you ever try to fix other peoples problems or make yourself responsible for their happiness, I hope the tips I offer in this post will help you to release that need. Feeling as though we have sole responsibility for others happiness causes anxiety. How to Stop the Misery: Decide to change and make a plan. I just need a few things to get you going. I think this might be stemming from the fact that when I was growing up my father always took the role of being the mediator. She also felt inadequate because she couldnt solve her friends problems. I feel this is unhealthy. One is an article on how to find mental health help, and the other is a list of hotline numbers. If you can stay grounded and not retreat and apologize for what you just said, over time your partner may return to this topic with a question or may wish to share his or her own hurt on this matter. Mental health is not hard . You have to keep strong and use this site to know that you are making boundaries and getting healthier for yourself. These bad habits may seem like they relieve stressand they may indeed relieve stress in the short runbut they are false friends. And, in the words of the Rolling Stones, you cant always get what you want. Shes really struggling. Again, huge thanks for taking the time to reply to this question and for your caring response. Group therapy is great for this. The other person will receive your shift in energy and feel released by you. Misery-Maker 4: Blaming yourself for things you cant control. Acceptance offers you this freedom. You feel its your fault when other people feel bad. We have to be conscious of the fact that its not our responsibility to change, or heal, or help, or resurrect anyone from their own issues and feelings. But theres a difference between loving and supporting someone and trying to fix their problems and make them happy. So don't rob your partner of a chance to grow! Remember to breathe and to stay open and loving toward your partner. You feel ashamed or fearful when you make a mistake. Wouldnt it be wonderful to live from love, compassion, and ease instead of beating yourself up every day? But if you decide to take full responsibility for yourself, you can learn to step back from these patterns and make happier and healthier choices. I understand feeling like you want to run away and feeling the weight of being responsible for your parent's happiness. Happiness is inside you, or it does not exist at all. Use your newly forming beliefs to shift your actions away from people-pleasing and more toward people-supporting (and you are a people to support, too). Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Her work can be found on Role Reboot, Alternet, and on her blog: Two Parts Smart-Ass; One Part Wisdom. Anything that happens occurs as a result of many interlocking causes and conditions, over which you only have partial control. You sound like a very caring person. Their pain is their pain, and your pain is your pain. (I've done this, too.) Your 2.5-year-old wants a particular sippy . (I think its because I grew up with a loving father, who had massive mood swings, but he could be charmed out of them - My sister would cry, my brother would more often than not, be the target, but I was the one who could alwyas talk/joke him down.) AgingCare.com does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment; or legal, or financial or any other professional services advice. 4 Ways to Handle It, https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/mental-illness-overview/how-to-find-mental-health, https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-refer, Mind-Reading and Projecting in Social Anxiety, 12 Lies Anxiety Tells You That Keep You Anxious and Fearful, How to Stop Worrying About Mistakes and Reduce Anxiety, HONcode standard for O = Brainstorm your Options and choose one to try.. Misery-Maker 4: Blaming yourself for things you can't control.